Hope is a Good Thing and Definitely the Best of all Things

For all those in fast paced demanding careers, taking a break or quitting your job is something they look forward to. So after resigning from my job I too was excited because I thought I'll take a break for few months before I start working again. I wanted to figure out what I'll be doing next and do a little research for that. Things were looking good. I was sure that this time I would get pregnant too as I knew I would be relieved from the stress at work and everything.

During this whole time of trying to conceive there was this thing I dreaded the most - The home pregnancy test kit. I hated the bloody thing!! Every time I would wait for those 2 lines to appear but there always was only one. I just hated it!!! It was like the bloody thing made me "Unpregnant!!". It was just depressing.

As a few months passed by I was just loosing hope and getting all pessimistic. One day when I did the test and it showed that single dreadful line I was devastated. I was convinced..... I was barren.  I had literally had it. I had given up. I went to AJ and told him the test was negative and I burst out crying. I was crying like someone had died. I cried and cried till my eyes were blood shot and my lips were the size of watermelons. (Yes I look very funny when I cry excessively..) I was on my side of the bed hopelessly weeping into my pillow and AJ on the other side wondering what to say this time. AJ seeing a lot of this (almost on a monthly basis) was sick and tired I guess. He tried consoling me even though he knew it was pointless. He had told me the same thing he says every time but it was this time somehow I actually heard what he said. He asked me how I could give up so easily being the positive person I am. He reminded me that we were just married for 2 years and I was wasting my time worrying about what isn't happening rather than focusing on all those good things that are happening. He also said that not having children was not the end of the world and life doesn't cease to exist if that happens. He said to my face that if we don't have children we will still move on and will have to accept that it's meant to be. I was a little taken aback. Soon images of an octogenarian me and AJ sitting on rocking chairs looking at each other all alone kept cropping up in my head. But that made me think... At least we'll have each other...

The following days my mind was in a state of thought and reflection. I've always been the kind of person who managed to get the things I wanted in life my just believing in it and working for it. I always had this saying I cooked up inspired by The Alchemist - " If you really really really desire something in life you eventually get it and if you don't you just didn't desire it enough..." All these thoughts cropped up in my mind and I realized I was just sick and tired of being sad and anxious. I said to myself ... ENOUGH!! I still had the one thing that I could always hold on to.... Hope...

One of my most favorite quotes about hope is in one of my most favorite movies of all time... The Shawshank Redemption. It goes like this - "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
I decided I will not be depressed anymore and I knew it was not gonna be easy to stay like that. I needed help; a small push. I found it in the form of th most dependable friends..... my books.
There was a particular book I gifted myself for my 26th birthday but I never got around to read it. The book was Rhonda Byrne's The Power. I am believer of the philosophy of her first book "The Secret". I've used it many a time in my life and this was just the time I needed it.
To give you a gist of  "The Secret" and "The Power" the basis is just this - " the law of attraction" is if you desire something in your life all you have to do is feel good about it and believe and feel as though you already have it and it will just manifest for you.

So in the following month I decided just to feel good. It sounded so simple but actually wasn't, but all it took was practice. Now whenever I saw those cute cuddly babies and mom's to be I would smile and visualize myself as a mom to be or with cute cuddly bundle of joy. The funny thing is the more and more I saw these babies and pregnant ladies I started feeling better and better. Another fun thing I would do was I would watch all the funny baby videos on Youtube. Boy they are hilarious!!

Another important thing I started doing was Yoga. I just love yoga. It is one of the most relaxing forms of exercise. But since my focus was on getting pregnant I tweaked my yoga routine to suit my current need. I call it Fertility Yoga. (Will share it with you guys soon in a different post) I started doing it on a regular basis and the key was that each time I did an asana (a particular yoga pose) I would imagine my body getting prepared to carry new life. It was pretty deep. It was like a prayer. I felt at peace. Each time I did yoga I could feel my sense of desire strengthening and this made me more and more happy.

The funny thing that was happening in that period was that everybody was getting pregnant. All I could hear was pregnancy all around me. My friends, my cousins, extended relatives, celebrities.... so many people and the highlight was that AJ's sister got pregnant. AJ has two younger sisters. The elder one got married a year after we got married. On hearing the news that she got pregnant I was so happy and excited. I was becoming an aunt. I was surprised at myself that I was sincerely happy and the news didn't bring in any pangs of longing or desperation. I was proud of myself and so super excited for my sis in law. My happiness multiplied and it felt so good.

Now it had been more than a month since I had started this phase of staying happy and preparing my mind and body for motherhood. Well it was getting time for that time of the month and yes I had missed a period. This was not something that excited me those days because most of the time it was just a false alarm. When I realized it was time for me to check if I was pregnant I started getting all tensed again. It was like awaiting for the results of the test you worked so hard on.... What am I saying??? It was way worse than that!!
I just didn't want to check with the pregnancy test kit. Like I said earlier I hated it!!... But then I was like all the preparation I'd been doing was for this!! Just to get hysterical again??.... I knew that what I wanted the most was to remain calm and accept the situation. And whatever it was I knew I wanted to face it with ease. I got the pregnancy kit and checked and the result..... Negative... Well I just smiled. No tears in my eyes and I just knew that I just had to wait a little longer... Every time I test myself I tell AJ, his mom and my mom but this time I checked I didn't tell anyone. I thought why bother them because they knew how we'd been struggling and how fragile I was about the whole thing.
A few days later my mom in law asked me if I got my period . I said I didn't. She asked if I checked and I said I didn't. I don't know why I couldn't tell her I'd already checked... Anyways I just thought I'd check one more time before I told her it was negative. I bought another kit and checked again. I saw the single line appearing and I was like okay confirmed "Not Pregnant!". But a little while later another line started to appear.... I was most definitely "Pregnant!"

This is an actual pic of my positive pregnancy test.

Helpless and Inconsolable....

Just a perspective to this particular post...
If curiosity kills the cat you know what,..... too much of information buries it alive...

My so called "complication" or "disorder" kept gnawing in my mind and just like any normal human being we want solace, a ray of hope or we go down in the dumps. In situations like these where things are not in our control, we ask ourselves questions like - "Why me??", "What can I do??". We go on looking for some kind of help, answers, a solution.... and who better to turn to than the person with all the different kinds of solutions to all our problems. Nothing ever can go unanswered.... Yes Google... I started my "research". I would sit day and night reading about infertility. I was convinced that having a baby was going to be hard and  that I had a huge "infertility" problem.

I knew for a fact that this struggle might not be easy and it was something that we had to be there for each other. AJ being the man that he is knew and accepted the issue but was hopeful and confident that things would work out when the time was right but that was definitely not the case for me. What made matters worse were our hectic schedules at work. There were times when me and AJ would be travelling on "those" days. I would get all depressed and think that it "THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!!" like it was the end of the world and poor AJ would have to try to console the inconsolable me. After all we are Venusians, (refer the book " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" - must read for couples!!) who just want to be heard out and the Martians know only how to offer a solution.

There came a time almost a year after the "trying" started, when I was at a point where I wanted more from my career and I felt I needed a break for myself. I knew that maybe during this time I could even get pregnant as I was hoping to be more relaxed. At this stage I was desperate. All I could think was babies babies babies.... Wherever I went out I either saw women with huge pregnant bellies or couples with cute little kids. This made things even worse than it was. I resigned my job thinking of a time of relaxation and calm...... But believe me it was not relaxation that followed. As you've heard of the age old saying - "An idle mind is the devil's workshop".... which is sooooooooo true.

A Bump on the Road to get Preggers.

Well deciding to have a baby I guess was nice thing to do because I know many people who actually don't get a chance to do that. Let's just say that some couples are fortunate or unfortunate ( totally a perception) to be parents even before they can say for the first time to their spouses "Happy Anniversary Honey!!". Well in my perception (which is important here because it's my blog) is that a child is a blessing whenever and however it comes. So if anyone gets their first anniversary gift as a bundle of joy I feel it is a wonderful thing.

Getting back to Phase 1 of Project Baby... First thing we did was I went to my doctor and got started on a prenatal vitamins. After "trying" for a few months Project Baby didn't seem to be taking off as expected. I started getting worried because me being a little bit (okay more than just a little) of a control freak, I had already secretly planned out the time by which we would be parents. So I couldn't contain my disappointment as to why things weren't happening as planned.  We went to the doctor again and I was told that we need to give it more time and that things would take off when the time is right. However in my mind I was already beginning to think about fertility experts and everything.

Sensing my concern (and I guess impatience too) the doctor suggested that we run a few basic tests just for my satisfaction. Me and AJ went for our tests. Everything was normal with AJ but when they did a scan for me they saw a small complication. Something very common among ladies today. My doctor assured me that since it was just a slight indication and since I have found out early it wouldn't be much of a problem and that I would have to take medicines and it would be just fine. She mentioned that this can be a reason as to why it must be taking us time to conceive, but I was assured there was nothing to worry and things would be perfectly fine.
Having known what the reason for the delay was a relief but what happened in the period after the "diagnosis" put my relief out the window. I would say the person who suffered the most was AJ.... you'll soon see why in my next post.

As a apart of my blog I thought I would give my personal insight and stuff I learnt on all pregnancy related stuff. So you will see a few tips and trivia in further posts.

Tips for when you decide to have a baby

• Discuss with your spouse about starting a family -Starting a family is a very important decision for a couple because it is a life changing one. So being consciously prepared a new person in the family will definitely help you get through your pregnancy and child birth much easier. There might be a lot of things to consider like even financials. You really ought to know if you can afford to have a baby.

• Preparing your body - It is good to preparing your body before conceiving. It is the primary responsibility of the mother to keep her health in check. It would be good if you can get to an ideal weight before you conceive. Eating nutritious food and avoiding any sort of alcohol, tobacco or drugs is very important. You should visit your doctor for prenatal vitamins. Many would ask why do you have to start on medicines even before you get pregnant. The baby's neural tube which becomes the brain and spinal cord starts developing in the very first month of pregnancy and most of the time before you even realize you are pregnant so taking these vitamin help prevent neural tube defects. Even men should prepare their bodies before they try to conceive. They must eat healthy and cut down on alcohol and tobacco as this lead to defects in sperm production. Men can find a few more interesting tips in the link. http://www.pregnancywyze.com/how-to-get-pregnant/pre-pregnancy-diet-for-men/

• Stay happy and be relaxed- This is the most important thing because a stressful mind equates to stressed out body and it makes it more difficult to perform. So I would suggest meditation to relax yourselves. A good massage. Let all that tension go away. When your making your baby it should be a baby that is made out of the love that both of you have for each other and nothing else should come in between that. No stress from work and other issues. Leave all that behind and just enjoy being with each other. Prayer is also a wonderful way to reconnect with your inner selves during this time.

** Please note these are only opinions and suggestions given from my experience. Please do not take it as advice from an expert in the field of prenatal health.

The Mommy in my DNA

Me being in a career that is extremely demanding I always imagined that I would have children when I felt I was settled career wise. I thought I would wait till I felt I could afford to take the responsibility of motherhood. In spite of me being very passionate about what I do, babies have always been a kind of weakness. I could melt at the sight of those cute adorable things. Anywhere I would go if I could spot a cutie in the vicinity I was sure to be making funny faces just to make them giggle or laugh. Though my friends would be going...."Female!!! What are you doing? This is a public place and that's somebody's kid!!"... That could never stop me.... :D

I guess its that weakness that got me thinking (in my 11th month of marriage) of motherhood. My maternal traits in my DNA just hit me. I really wanted to be a mom. Even though I've always thought and wanted babies because of their unabashed yummy cuteness, but being a mother was a whole other story.

Luckily for me having an elder sister did help me a lot. Seeing how she went through the whole motherhood phase gave me a gist of  what motherhood could be like. Let me tell you, not a piece of cake. I realized behind all the kissing on the chubby cheeks and making noises on their tummies, there were sleepless night, picky eating, endless tantrums etc.. Maybe I guess for many being a mother is just a part of the vocation of womanhood and I guess that was the reason I was sooooo ready for it.

But as you know this isn't a one person kinda job. My husband AJ being in a similar profession as mine was surprisingly very ready to be a dad too. Why I say surprising is because like me he too is a person who is very dedicated to his work and you can say kind of a workaholic. He was also ready and we were like... "Let's do this!!!"

So began our new phase of life which I would like to call "Project Baby". But little did we know that Project Baby wasn't gonna be like any of the projects we've ever taken up.

Babylogue Initiation

Sitting in my bedroom and just waiting and waiting for the D day I have decided to grace the digital world and all those connected to be bestowed upon by a few words of wisdom, from moi of course!! :D Well rather than just me thinking about the things I think I thought it would be better if I immortalized it on my blog. Well my previous blog wasn't such a  great success because I never could commit to it. Well I hope this time I am more dedicated because its about this special time in my life which I know now will be a very much an extended period of time.

Well I am a soon to be mom waiting for the day my baby arrives. During this time I have been prepping myself for this new phase which I feel is something I've desired my whole life. I know there are a lot of people out there who are waiting for this phase in life and some people who think why do people even do it. This blog might be for both of you. Sharing of my experiences might help you see how amazing a journey it can be and sometimes its not as bad as it seems.... and sometimes maybe it might be as bad as it seems... :D

So here I am about to start my journey with my blog.... which I guess I'd like to call my babylogue (I know its not a real word... but who knows it might be the next word to get into the dictionary)... :)