Hope is a Good Thing and Definitely the Best of all Things

For all those in fast paced demanding careers, taking a break or quitting your job is something they look forward to. So after resigning from my job I too was excited because I thought I'll take a break for few months before I start working again. I wanted to figure out what I'll be doing next and do a little research for that. Things were looking good. I was sure that this time I would get pregnant too as I knew I would be relieved from the stress at work and everything.

During this whole time of trying to conceive there was this thing I dreaded the most - The home pregnancy test kit. I hated the bloody thing!! Every time I would wait for those 2 lines to appear but there always was only one. I just hated it!!! It was like the bloody thing made me "Unpregnant!!". It was just depressing.

As a few months passed by I was just loosing hope and getting all pessimistic. One day when I did the test and it showed that single dreadful line I was devastated. I was convinced..... I was barren.  I had literally had it. I had given up. I went to AJ and told him the test was negative and I burst out crying. I was crying like someone had died. I cried and cried till my eyes were blood shot and my lips were the size of watermelons. (Yes I look very funny when I cry excessively..) I was on my side of the bed hopelessly weeping into my pillow and AJ on the other side wondering what to say this time. AJ seeing a lot of this (almost on a monthly basis) was sick and tired I guess. He tried consoling me even though he knew it was pointless. He had told me the same thing he says every time but it was this time somehow I actually heard what he said. He asked me how I could give up so easily being the positive person I am. He reminded me that we were just married for 2 years and I was wasting my time worrying about what isn't happening rather than focusing on all those good things that are happening. He also said that not having children was not the end of the world and life doesn't cease to exist if that happens. He said to my face that if we don't have children we will still move on and will have to accept that it's meant to be. I was a little taken aback. Soon images of an octogenarian me and AJ sitting on rocking chairs looking at each other all alone kept cropping up in my head. But that made me think... At least we'll have each other...

The following days my mind was in a state of thought and reflection. I've always been the kind of person who managed to get the things I wanted in life my just believing in it and working for it. I always had this saying I cooked up inspired by The Alchemist - " If you really really really desire something in life you eventually get it and if you don't you just didn't desire it enough..." All these thoughts cropped up in my mind and I realized I was just sick and tired of being sad and anxious. I said to myself ... ENOUGH!! I still had the one thing that I could always hold on to.... Hope...

One of my most favorite quotes about hope is in one of my most favorite movies of all time... The Shawshank Redemption. It goes like this - "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
I decided I will not be depressed anymore and I knew it was not gonna be easy to stay like that. I needed help; a small push. I found it in the form of th most dependable friends..... my books.
There was a particular book I gifted myself for my 26th birthday but I never got around to read it. The book was Rhonda Byrne's The Power. I am believer of the philosophy of her first book "The Secret". I've used it many a time in my life and this was just the time I needed it.
To give you a gist of  "The Secret" and "The Power" the basis is just this - " the law of attraction" is if you desire something in your life all you have to do is feel good about it and believe and feel as though you already have it and it will just manifest for you.

So in the following month I decided just to feel good. It sounded so simple but actually wasn't, but all it took was practice. Now whenever I saw those cute cuddly babies and mom's to be I would smile and visualize myself as a mom to be or with cute cuddly bundle of joy. The funny thing is the more and more I saw these babies and pregnant ladies I started feeling better and better. Another fun thing I would do was I would watch all the funny baby videos on Youtube. Boy they are hilarious!!

Another important thing I started doing was Yoga. I just love yoga. It is one of the most relaxing forms of exercise. But since my focus was on getting pregnant I tweaked my yoga routine to suit my current need. I call it Fertility Yoga. (Will share it with you guys soon in a different post) I started doing it on a regular basis and the key was that each time I did an asana (a particular yoga pose) I would imagine my body getting prepared to carry new life. It was pretty deep. It was like a prayer. I felt at peace. Each time I did yoga I could feel my sense of desire strengthening and this made me more and more happy.

The funny thing that was happening in that period was that everybody was getting pregnant. All I could hear was pregnancy all around me. My friends, my cousins, extended relatives, celebrities.... so many people and the highlight was that AJ's sister got pregnant. AJ has two younger sisters. The elder one got married a year after we got married. On hearing the news that she got pregnant I was so happy and excited. I was becoming an aunt. I was surprised at myself that I was sincerely happy and the news didn't bring in any pangs of longing or desperation. I was proud of myself and so super excited for my sis in law. My happiness multiplied and it felt so good.

Now it had been more than a month since I had started this phase of staying happy and preparing my mind and body for motherhood. Well it was getting time for that time of the month and yes I had missed a period. This was not something that excited me those days because most of the time it was just a false alarm. When I realized it was time for me to check if I was pregnant I started getting all tensed again. It was like awaiting for the results of the test you worked so hard on.... What am I saying??? It was way worse than that!!
I just didn't want to check with the pregnancy test kit. Like I said earlier I hated it!!... But then I was like all the preparation I'd been doing was for this!! Just to get hysterical again??.... I knew that what I wanted the most was to remain calm and accept the situation. And whatever it was I knew I wanted to face it with ease. I got the pregnancy kit and checked and the result..... Negative... Well I just smiled. No tears in my eyes and I just knew that I just had to wait a little longer... Every time I test myself I tell AJ, his mom and my mom but this time I checked I didn't tell anyone. I thought why bother them because they knew how we'd been struggling and how fragile I was about the whole thing.
A few days later my mom in law asked me if I got my period . I said I didn't. She asked if I checked and I said I didn't. I don't know why I couldn't tell her I'd already checked... Anyways I just thought I'd check one more time before I told her it was negative. I bought another kit and checked again. I saw the single line appearing and I was like okay confirmed "Not Pregnant!". But a little while later another line started to appear.... I was most definitely "Pregnant!"

This is an actual pic of my positive pregnancy test.